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Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Where?

A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You're in a basket you dumb sh*t!"


Pointy :coffee:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Best Job in The World

A young man with his pants hanging half off his azz, two gold front teeth and an inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You
know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy
old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015
Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me?!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well you started it!"


Pointy ;)
 

Blue Bolt

Persona Non Grata
Oct 28, 2009
23,119
1,506
350
That’s so Raiders: Trent Richardson got $600,000 guaranteed
Posted by Michael David Smith on September 1, 2015, 7:09 AM EDT

Trent Richardson has already been released by the Raiders after just a few months in Oakland, and he pocketed $600,000 for his trouble.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who watched him play in Indianapolis that Richardson wasn’t even good enough to make the 75-player cutdown, let alone make the Raiders’ 53-man roster. Richardson averaged just 3.1 yards a carry for the Colts.

But what is surprising is that when the Colts cut Richardson this offseason, the Raiders quickly swooped in and signed Richardson to a contract with a $600,000 guarantee. Given the way Richardson had played for the Colts, you’d think he’d have to settle for a league-minimum salary. But the Raiders thought otherwise.

Richardson is also still owed his $3.184 million salary from the Colts this season, as that salary was fully guaranteed with no offsets as part of his rookie contract as the No. 3 overall pick with the Browns. He’s doing very well for himself.

The Raiders, on the other hand, now have egg on their faces. Oakland hasn’t had a winning record since 2002, and the Raiders are widely regarded as one of the league’s worst franchises. Young players like Derek Carr, Amari Cooper and Khalil Mack are giving the Raiders hope, but there’s still a perception that the front office just doesn’t get it. And guaranteeing Richardson $600,000 is the kind of move that makes that perception hard to shake.
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Trivia Contest

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer... Hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?


Pointy :rolleyes:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Overheard At The Doctor's Office

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant,

but apparently it just changes the color of the baby."


Pointy :eek:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Awkward

You know it's an awkward moment when during your physical the nurse who is examining your testicles tells you to stop running your fingers through her hair...


Pointy :geek:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
An Observation

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two Hearts and a Diamond. By the end, you'll wish you had a Club and a Spade...


Pointy :tup:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Nasty

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new freakin' boat!"


Pointy :eek:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Feet

You can tell how much a woman likes you by her feet.

If they are behind her ears, she really really likes you.


Pointy :cool:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Japanese Sex

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.

Husband: "Sukitaki mojitaka!"
Wife: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees, literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts: "Na miaou kina tim kouji!"

I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this! Do you even know any Japanese? I'm not even sure it IS Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex. Sometimes I worry about you.

Pointy :ninja:
 
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Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Advisor

A man asked a retiree if he had a job. The retiree stated, "Yes, I have a job."
The man asked, "What kind of job is it?"
The retiree answered, "I am my wife's sexual advisor."
"What do you mean by that?" said the man.
The retiree replied, "My wife has told me that when she wants my f*cking advice, she will ask for it!"


Pointy :p
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Old Farmer's Advice

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply,
speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”


Pointy :)
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Two Texans

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "think I enjoy the 'rodeo' position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear,
'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds...


Pointy :D
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Little Black Dress

A blonde woman drops off her black dress at the local cleaners. As she is leaving, the woman behind the counter says, "Come again."
The blonde snaps back, "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!"


Pointy :eek:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Table Dancer

I went to the pub last night and saw a rather large woman dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The woman giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "


Pointy :laugh:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
The One-Eyed Redhead

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.
She said, 'You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye.'


Pointy :geek:



 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
New Apple Product

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name...


Pointy :speechless:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Hotel Travel

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk , "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No it's just regular porn, you sick bastard!"


Pointy :cautious:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Neat Bar Trick

After we had a few beers I was telling a gal in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then and try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."


Pointy :sneaky:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING!

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.


Pointy :cautious:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Male Logic... Flawless!

This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which he answered quite simply and she is speechless after answering only one question. I’ll bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there; I’m just saying.
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:$5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day whichputs your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought aFerrari?


Man:

Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No.
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?


Pointy :D
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
A Quote


"The world is fighting Islamic terrorism, starvation, and disease, but Democrats are
fighting for men to pee in the ladies' room.
Insanity."

James Woods


Pointy :eek:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2 p.m sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6 p.m. And upon arriving asked his wife, "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $200?" Sue, using her best poker face replied, "Well yes, in fact he did give me $200".

Les with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the club house this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT my friends, is a poker player.


Pointy ;)
 

Lance19

BoltTalker
Oct 2, 2011
7,150
1,380
350
Wherever these Valkyries drop me...
A Quote

"The world is fighting Islamic terrorism, starvation, and disease, but Democrats are
fighting for men to pee in the ladies' room.
Insanity."

James Woods


Pointy :eek:
Yes, surely it's the Democrats who are responsible for the tide of history. :p

Not that I don't normally look to actors for political guidance,
but let's check back with Jimmy in 5 or 10 years,
and measure how wise his resistance to change looks in the rear view... :roflmao:



(no offense, Pointy...I have a number of friends who think actors are political geniuses...)
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Hotel Service

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately! I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window!"

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter..."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot! The window won't open, and that's a maintenance matter!"


Pointy :D
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
At The Golf Course


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any. 'The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers? ' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any. 'The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.'


Pointy :laugh:
 

Pointyearedog

I only put idiots on ignore...
Aug 19, 2008
6,446
1,193
340
Golden Hill
Hospital Story

A man is in the hospital, just after surgery, with his wife of 40 years by his bedside.
As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears,
"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."


Pointy :confused: