Welcome to America's Finest Sports Forum and Podcast!
afsportsforum.com is one of the largest online communities covering San Diego sports.
We host a regular podcast during the major seasons. You are currently viewing our community forums as a guest user.
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
Ed was celebrating 80 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes" he said. "How are you? You know, you are 80 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"
"Hello knees" he continued. "How are you? You know you're 80 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees!"
Then he looked down at his crotch.
"Hello Willie! You little Prick. Just think, if you were alive today, you'd be 80!"
Woman Stops Gator Attack With A Small Beretta Pistol
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story:
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma , Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband
discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting
her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby. 'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie.' Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'
'Yes,' the mother replied, 'we are so thankful! The Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'
'That's great,' said little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!'
I was at the Senior Center earlier today and failed a Health & Safety course that was put on for us old folks.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire in the building, what steps would you take?"
"F*cking big ones" was apparently the wrong answer...
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch me and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing- eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the little dog said, "A Chihuahua???!!! They gave me a f*cking Chihuahua?!??!"
During a long day of looking around the mall, a couple of my friends and I stopped in at 'Hooter's' for some Hot Wings and drinks.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told him, "The one who knows how to fix elevators."
I'm old, tired, and have to pee a lot.
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing.' The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what?' At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
In a church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, John got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,
"John, what do you want me to pray about for you?" John replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for John, and the whole congregation joined in. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "John, how is your hearing now?"
John answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
Little Jimmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Jimmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?"
His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."
Jimmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."
His mom, embarrassed, said "That's nothing."
Jimmy isn't satisfied with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"
Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."
"Mom said it was nothing."
"I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a
'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. Its shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain', and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who saysanything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father gets up and angrily shouts, 'Okay, I'll do the f*ckin’ dishes!!'
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class:
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little Johnny says: "I want to start out as an Air Force Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. So she calls on one of the girls, "And how about you, Sarah?"
Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference coincidentally held in his home town.
He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, and at precisely the wrong instant he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper.
He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Many years later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her.
He reserved a hotel room under the name of Smith and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Smith?"
Dr. Goldberg replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return.
"The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too.
Dr. Goldberg replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
The clerk asked, "Was it a long time ago?"
Dr. Goldberg said, "Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Goldberg Fart?"
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small
twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was
answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a
cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, Mayday! The pilot had an instant and
fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he
had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.
I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday,
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down
after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions.
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front
Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are
traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of
Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down?
"Aircraft: "Because the sh*t in my pants is sliding out of my shirt
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as
discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice, and upon disembarking he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear. "What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?" "No, I've been transferred to Detroit. I've heard things are terrible there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation." Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as you want to make it." The guy relaxed and stopped shaking, and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" Bob replied, "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
One day up in the frozen north a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play. Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, "Can I ask you a question Dad?"
"Sure, son what is it?"
"Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior.
Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play."
So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back.
"Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?"
Dad smiles again and says, "Look son you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose. Of course you're a polar bear! Now go back and play."
Once again Junior runs off. He slides down the ice. He chases a couple of seagulls. After ten minutes of fun
he returns with a puzzled look on his face.
"Daaaad, are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?"
"Look son. I'm a polar bear, your moms a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears. Why are you asking all these questions?"
Junior looks up and says, "Cause I'm f*cking freezing!"