ESPN's Page 2 on Art Shell

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Well-Known Member
Sep 1, 2005
50 Page 2 : The Sports Guy's NFL preview

The Sports Guy's NFL Preview
ESPN's Page 2
Bill Simmons

To the dumbest round of preseason stories: glowing features about Art Shell's coaching comeback with the Raiders, which proved the age-old adage, "If you let enough time pass in sports, people are bound to forget just about anything." Shell's 14-year absence from the sidelines had nothing to do with color; he was a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE game coach. Do you know why we started using the phrase "bad clock management"? BECAUSE OF ART SHELL!!!! During the last two minutes of a half, Art Shell's math skills made Herm Edwards look like Will Hunting. Really, nobody remembers this? For God's sake, that's why he got fired! That's why I've been making "Art Shell School of Clock Management" jokes in my column for the past 10 years! That's why he hasn't worked since!

Art -- the clock ... the clock .. don't forget to check the clock.
Everyone forgets this, too, but those Raiders teams were almost criminally loaded; it's astounding they never appeared in a Super Bowl, although they did end up going down as the greatest Tecmo Bowl team of all time. In real life, they committed 12-15 penalties per game under Shell and were a mortal lock to blow any close game. Eventually, Al Davis got tired of watching this stuff and canned him (a big deal at the time), and Shell never coached another NFL team … much to every savvy gambler's chagrin. These are the facts. But this was 15 years ago, so nobody remembers this stuff. For instance, most people don't remember that Julia Roberts was smoking hot, but when "Sleeping With the Enemy" pops up on cable, you're reminded that, hey, Julia Roberts was smoking hot. Unfortunately, no channel shows old Raiders games from the Art Shell Era, so nobody remembers how he stood frozen on the sidelines as the announcers said things like, "Wow, ANOTHER holding penalty on the Raiders; that's their 10th today!" and "I'm not sure Art Shell knows that you can't carry over timeouts from one half to the other." Watch what happens this season. Don't say I didn't warn you.
To the Raiders, for having the foresight to team up Shell (the shakiest game coach of my lifetime) with Aaron Brooks (the dumbest QB of my lifetime). For gambling purposes, I feel like Marty McFly when he stumbled across Biff's sports almanac in "Back to the Future 2." This is too good to be true. I don't want to jinx it. In fact, let's move on. Quickly. Before somebody changes their mind here.
To the NFL teams that ended the coaching reigns of Norv Turner, Dom Capers, Jim Haslett and the Mikes (Sherman, Mularkey, Tice, Martz) … I mean, do you realize how much comedic fodder was destroyed in one spring? Now all I have is Art Shell. This is terrible. On the bright side …
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