Bill Simmosn of ESPN Absolutely Blows Up Art and he Raiders

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boltssbbound

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Jun 16, 2006
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Link: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page...ht&lid=tab4pos1

This guy could not be more right about Shell.
:icon_rofl: :icon_rofl: :icon_rofl: :icon_rofl: :icon_rofl: :icon_rofl:

By Bill Simmons
Page 2


There are three forms of comebacks: The ones when a team or player overcomes seemingly insurmountable odds; the ones when a player recovers from a debilitating injury to regain his previous form; and the ones when a memorable personality retires or fades away, then splashes back onto the scene with "not only am I back, baby, but you're gonna remember this moment for a long freaking time" vigor.



Those aren't even comebacks, actually. They're more like resurrections. And you only need a few words to describe the best resurrections. Like MJ dropping 55 in New York. Elvis electrifying Vegas in the leather jumpsuit in '68. Vito Corleone's chilling "but I'm a superstitious man ... " speech. Cosell introducing Sinatra for "The Main Event" at MSG. Ali dropping Foreman in Zaire. Shannon Tweed and Andrew Stevens getting it on in "Body Chemistry 4." It's a short list.



And that's what made Art Shell's comeback so beautiful. He picked up right where he left off, as a glorified caretaker for a fading franchise. Apparently I was the only writer who remembered why Oakland canned him 12 years ago -- because he single-handedly submarined the Super Bowl chances for a loaded stretch of Raiders teams, to the point that nobody ever hired him again -- but that didn't stop people from playing the race card and pretending that Art would be installing discipline/intensity/consistency/professionalism with the 2006 Raiders. Um, why would things be different this time around? Hearing the Raiders rehired Shell was like reading that J-Lo and Ben Affleck were engaged again. Wait, what????



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Week 2: Steelers at Jaguars


In last week's column, I mentioned two silver linings for Art's comeback: The gambling implications (with Aaron Brooks involved as well, it felt like the Perfect Wagering Storm) and the comedy implications (because an entire generation of NFL fans under 22 could enjoy the Art Shell Experience for the first time). But I never imagined how Monday night's game against the Chargers would play out. San Diego completely obliterated the Raiders from the first snap, to the point that Marty Schottenheimer opted for the three-runs-and-a-punt routine for the entire second half, content to let his defense protect a 13-0 lead that seemed more like 93-0. The Raiders couldn't have looked more disjointed, mismanaged and untalented. It's not possible.



Here was the best part: Shell standing motionless on the sidelines, rarely moving, rarely blinking, seemingly oblivious to the ongoing apocalypse on the field. One of my readers wondered if ESPN was looping the same Shell shot for four quarters, kinda like how Keanu Reeves rigged the bus camera in "Speed." And just like the old days, Art was wearing a headset, only it's unclear if the headset was on or off since he never said anything into it; for all we know, the headset was playing show tunes. There was one moment during a commercial timeout when he was listening to Randy Moss, who suddenly looked up and nudged him toward the field, like he was saying, "Yo, Coach, the game started," followed by a jolted Shell scampering back toward the sidelines like a nursing home resident who just realized he was late for BINGO. That's the only time we saw him move. In other words, it was just like old times.



And my readers were delighted. I ended up receiving 10 times as many Art Shell e-mails as Dream Team e-mails after USA's loss to Greece. (If you're interested, you can read the best ones HERE.) There were the requisite "Weekend at Bernie's" cracks, jokes about the music selection in his headset, dozens of descriptions of the Art Shell Face, people honestly wondering if he's really alive, even younger readers simply thanking me for taking the time to warn them. Although we weren't able to see Art work his magic with a two-minute drill, everyone agreed that it remained an immensely enjoyable TV experience ... and that's even before the Governator's 3rd quarter cameo when he lauded Art Shell for pulling off a "miracle" with this Raiders team, followed by Ron Jaworski doing a legitimate double take and looking like he just smelled a noxious fart.



You know what? In a roundabout way, Arnold was right. This WAS a miracle. See, I wasn't old enough to remember Elvis in Vegas or Ali in Zaire, but I'll always remember watching a rusty MJ drop 55 on the Knicks, and I'll always remember the night Art Shell came back and may or may not have been alive. So thank you, Gambling Gods, and thank you, Comedy Gods. Some things are better the second time around.
 
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BFISA

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Kinda reminds me of Canepa's takes on the Chargers. IMHO, this is an example of a journalist with an anti-shell agenda.

I'm not gonna put alotta stock in it, but thats jes me.
 

boltssbbound

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BFISA said:
Kinda reminds me of Canepa's takes on the Chargers. IMHO, this is an example of a journalist with an anti-shell agenda.

I'm not gonna put alotta stock in it, but thats jes me.
Sorry, man, I have to disagree. Shell looks every bit the deer in the headlights on the sideline. Art was such a bad coach a dozen years ago that no one else ever offered him another head job. Sure, Art took a couple teams to the playoffs, but those teams were stacked with talent and underachieved.
 

foober

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I'd feel sorry for the raiters. But their fans are such punks that I think they deserve all the laughing at they can get.
 

Shamrock

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BFISA said:
Kinda reminds me of Canepa's takes on the Chargers. IMHO, this is an example of a journalist with an anti-shell agenda.

I'm not gonna put alotta stock in it, but thats jes me.
I honestly don't understand the pro-Shell agenda of most of the media. I think most people will tend to agree with Simmons when they see the Raiders completely implode this season.
 

Shamrock

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boltssbbound said:
There was one moment during a commercial timeout when he was listening to Randy Moss, who suddenly looked up and nudged him toward the field, like he was saying, "Yo, Coach, the game started," followed by a jolted Shell scampering back toward the sidelines like a nursing home resident who just realized he was late for BINGO. That's the only time we saw him move. In other words, it was just like old times.
I saw that when I rewatched the game last night. Classic !!!
 

BFISA

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Shamrock said:
I honestly don't understand the pro-Shell agenda of most of the media. I think most people will tend to agree with Simmons when they see the Raiders completely implode this season.
True enuff, but they've been imploding since the nite before the Superbowl...at best, they should see there own estimates of any Raider success this season as gross miscalculations on their part. Shell jes got there; granted he's not gonna be ableta turn this franchise around any time soon...it remainsta be seen, IMHO, if he'll turn outta be the buffoon somma y'all think he will...become.
 

turbo_turtle

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Aug 2, 2006
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think that this is too early but I thnk that the Turds could be the first 0-16 team to ever be so In my opnion it is just that the Raturds do not have a clue on how to play this year and I think any of the San Diego High School teams could beat the Faiders.:yes:
 

Shamrock

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BFISA said:
True enuff, but they've been imploding since the nite before the Superbowl...at best, they should see there own estimates of any Raider success this season as gross miscalculations on their part. Shell jes got there; granted he's not gonna be ableta turn this franchise around any time soon...it remainsta be seen, IMHO, if he'll turn outta be the buffoon somma y'all think he will...become.
Shell has no control over personnel decisions. No control over defensive coaching hires (Al re-upped all the D coaches before hiring Shell).

It's the same old Raider mess, but with a coach who, IMO, gets way more credit from the majority of the press than he deserves. His MNF game plan, lack of adjustments, and deterioration of an already porous OL should be enough proof.
 

Alpenbolt

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Man that is funny stuff. Getting the entire nation dumping on the Raiders is just priceless. By Saturday we should be moving onto the next game but this is just so damn enjoyable. Ravens Raiders is a must see game now.
 

Thunderstruck

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Shamrock said:
Shell has no control over personnel decisions. No control over defensive coaching hires (Al re-upped all the D coaches before hiring Shell).

It's the same old Raider mess, but with a coach who, IMO, gets way more credit from the majority of the press than he deserves. His MNF game plan, lack of adjustments, and deterioration of an already porous OL should be enough proof.
I seriously want to know what Art Shell has ever done to make anyone think he's a good head coach. He's a good football man, but that's totally seperate from being a good head coach.
 

WonderSlug

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www.boltsplanet.com
I'm not sure if it was SImmons, but some sportswriter, in another article earlier this week, said that Art Shell was one of the worst gameday managers there was. He made Mike Martz look like Vince Lombardi in comparison in managing the time, timeouts, playclock, etc.
 

Thunderstruck

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WonderSlug said:
I'm not sure if it was SImmons, but some sportswriter, in another article earlier this week, said that Art Shell was one of the worst gameday managers there was. He made Mike Martz look like Vince Lombardi in comparison in managing the time, timeouts, playclock, etc.
I'm pretty sure that was Simmons in his earlier article. He's obviously never drunk the "Art Shell Will Bring Discipline Back to the Silver and Black" kool-aid.
 

Shamrock

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Thunderstruck said:
I'm pretty sure that was Simmons in his earlier article. He's obviously never drunk the "Art Shell Will Bring Discipline Back to the Silver and Black" kool-aid.
Art Shell brought the Art Shell face back to the Raiders. The rest of that stuff is media blather.
 

Dublin Bolt

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Aug 12, 2006
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Dublin, Oul Sod.
Wow that was brilliant excellent find guys. Watchin the game I was unsure as to why Art Shell stood motionless and seemingly without any emotion whatsoever watching 'his' players not bother at all. I mean we all know it's gotta be one of the worst rosters in living memory but with a stiff like Brooks at the helm u have no chance. How they passed on Leinart I just don't know. I guess Al Davis is out to lunch or at the aforementioned bingo regularly. Hey though isn't it great that we can show up and run 2/3 plays all nite and still beat them easy. Those 'commitment to excellence' days are a distant memory now.

Brilliant!.:icon_rofl:
 
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HEXEDBOLT

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I'm going to blame Shell totally. Which HC is there, living or dead that would be able to turn that team around with the controling methods used by uncle Al? He was porbably thinking, why in hell did I subject myself to being the ring master of the Al Davis Circus.:bolt:
 

Concudan

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HEXEDBOLT said:
I'm going to blame Shell totally. Which HC is there, living or dead that would be able to turn that team around with the controling methods used by uncle Al? He was porbably thinking, why in hell did I subject myself to being the ring master of the Al Davis Circus.:bolt:
Shell is not in an enviable position. But he took the job KNOWING what it was like to work for the kript keeper, so he made his bed, now other teams are going to abuse him.
 

Critter

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Concudan said:
Shell is not in an enviable position. But he took the job KNOWING what it was like to work for the kript keeper, so he made his bed, now other teams are going to abuse him.
It's "crypt" my friend.:icon_wink:
 

Concudan

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Critter said:
It's "crypt" my friend.:icon_wink:
You are correct, sorry, I am not awake right now... Gettin the boys ready for soccer, or I would be in bed.:icon_sad:
 

MasterOfPuppets

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I like Simmons but, have you noticed that in his picks he NEVER mentions something about the Chargers? he either talks about the opposing team or says something like "having nothing else to add here's my take on last week's sourviver (sp)"